I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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