The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
