Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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