mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
