WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
