What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
