i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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