Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
