All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
