A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
