you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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