I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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