Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
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