GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
