There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
