The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
