new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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