you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
