I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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