This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
