3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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