I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
