my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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