Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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