You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
