she woke up with a sticky ear
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
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