we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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