We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Randomize
