hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
