dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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