i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
