I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
