i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I know her cup size but not her name....
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
