sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
