did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
