I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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