she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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