She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
