just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
