also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
