haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
