your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
