watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I could make wine with my vomit
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
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