I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize