Umm I'm too high to move.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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