I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
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