drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
