so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize