Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
