i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
