Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
