Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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