you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Randomize
