I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
