Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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