Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
