the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
