I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
