:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
